The Risky Parenting Trend Behind High Achievers — What Parents Should Do

Jennifer Breheny Wallace, author of Never Enough, spent seven years interviewing hundreds of high-achieving children and their families. Her reporting surfaces a common parenting pattern: an intense, achievement-centered approach that prizes accomplishments, schedules, and measurable success above emotional growth. Although intended to help children succeed, this prevailing method can produce unintended harm.

Wallace found that many families equate love and approval with performance. Parents organize every hour, prioritize résumé-building activities, and respond to setbacks with corrective pressure rather than support. For some children this creates resilience; for many others it fuels anxiety, burnout, and a fragile sense of self-worth tied to external validation. High achievers may excel outwardly while struggling internally with fear of failure, perfectionism, and emotional exhaustion.

Experts and families Wallace interviewed point to two core problems: erosion of autonomy and insufficient space to process setbacks. When children are steered tightly toward predefined goals, they get fewer opportunities to explore interests at their own pace or to fail safely. Without those experiences, children miss chances to learn persistence, self-regulation, and intrinsic motivation—skills that matter for long-term wellbeing and success.

What to do instead: Wallace and the families she profiles recommend shifting priorities from outcomes to development. That means giving kids more unstructured time, inviting them to make age-appropriate choices, and responding to mistakes with curiosity rather than punishment. Parents can focus on emotional coaching—naming feelings, modeling coping strategies, and praising effort and learning rather than only results.

Practical steps include limiting overscheduling, carving out downtime for play or hobbies, and setting expectations that separate a child’s worth from their achievements. It also helps to normalize failure: share personal setbacks, discuss what you learned, and celebrate small recoveries.

Wallace’s research doesn’t argue for abandoning ambition; many families she spoke with still encourage excellence. Her point is subtler: ambition is healthiest when balanced with autonomy, emotional safety, and opportunities to fail and try again. By reorienting toward those foundations, parents can help high-achieving children build resilience and a lasting sense of self that survives more than a single trophy or test score.